MARRIED At First Sight's cheating wife is brought down in a drunken brawl by another rogue wife, who outs and shames her in front of the entire group at Wednesday night's dinner party.
At least Jessika's not wearing a hydrating face mask like Martha was when Cyrell launched an attack and mildly choked her a few weeks ago. We're all about silver linings here. But it does end with Jessika making an embarrassingly premature admission before getting confronted by the wife of the man she's cheating with. Not only is this wife drunk and irritated, but she keeps misusing air quotes. "Obviously" she's "not in" a "state" to be "messed with". Did I use air quotes right just then?
This whole fight is nuts. Like, almost more nuts than Uncle Jesse's girlfriend and that Desperate Housewife getting swept up in that ivy league bribery scam. I wonder what Teri Hatcher and those Olsen girls think?
"With all this tension in the air tonight, I think we're going to see a few couples getting real," Dr Trisha observes and by "real" she means "feral".
Are any of the couples together anymore? Not even they know. Basically everyone arrives at the dinner party separately and Channel 9 really didn't budget for so many individual Ubers.
Cyrell is in a weird mood and it's clear she's looking for a fight. Since her brother kicked Nic out of the family house at the homestay, they haven't seen each other. He reckons they're still together, but she has a different idea.
"Heyyyyy gurl, waddup? I'm riding solo!" she storms in to the warehouse while quoting Jason Derulo before doing the Single Ladies dance.
She's bruised that her relationship is apparently over and the only thing that will make her feel better is inserting herself in Jessika and Dan's affair.
Mick tells her his homestay was rubbish, but then Jessika tells the group it was fabulous so Cyrell takes it upon herself to launch a public take-down.
"That's not what I just heard," Cyrell snips at Jessika and everyone looks.
"Let's be honest, if you were genuinely trying to make your marriage work, you wouldn't have turned around and said to me a few dinner parties ago that you wanted to f**k Dan."
At this point, no one is really paying attention to Cyrell and the statement kind of goes over their heads.
"All right Cyrell, all right, all right, all right," Jessika whispers, trying to shut her up. "I don't need to be doing this with you right now in a social setting."
Yeah, Cyrell. Jessika is a very demure and subtle person who likes her privacy and that's exactly why she limits her affair to the dark carparks of abandoned warehouses.
The tension is interrupted when Mark boldly claims he got to third base with Ning and we interject to call him a liar. An argument breaks out about what exactly third base is.
Ning thinks third base is when you wear your pyjamas in front of your partner and reject all their sexual advances. Martha thinks third base has to involve a G-string. And we think third base involves eating an entire pizza in front of your partner and then falling asleep with the lights on. Third base is very subjective.
We're all lured to the dining table with the promise of more cheap wine and Jessika positions herself directly across from Dan. Like last week, she attempts to flirt by winking at him. And, like last week, she doesn't really pull it off.
They ignore their partners and focus on each other. The conversation is electric - it just flows.
"Do you like popcorn?" Jessika splurts at Dan.
"I only like popcorn at the cinemas," he replies.
This is more compelling than when Ines and Sam bonded over their love of olives before having sex on the Gold Coast.
Dan's wife Tamara witnesses this all play out and she can't bear it. Watching Jessika flirt with her husband is one thing. But to see him flirt back? He has never talked about popcorn with her. It's a dagger through the heart.
Jessika confides in us that she does feel bad for Tamara, but has found strength in this quote from Jesus: "I've sacrificed a lot for other people in my life and I think it's about time I just do what I need to do and be selfless for myself."
Even Dan has started lying to himself.
"I'm not a cheater, never have been" he says, speaking like a true cheater.
He gives Jessika the look and he skulks out to the back carpark - the scene of the crime where last week's pash went down. Jessika soon emerges from the shadows. We lurk behind some large metal barrels and witness everything. Within seconds, he grabs her by the neck and they're bashing veneers again.
He asks if she's gonna hang around another week.
"I've shut off emotionally from Mick because I can't be romantic with two people. I'm not a cheater and I never have been," she says, three seconds after kissing a married man behind her husband's back.
"Geez, you got good lips, aye" Dan growls.
Back at the dinner table, Cyrell is well aware Dan and Jessika are missing. And she promptly attacks Jessika upon her return.
"Where the f**k did you go?" she spits as Jessika drags her away into a private room.
Cyrell cuts to the chase. She knows Jessika is up to something and she wants to find out.
"Dude, you wanted to sleep with Dan the other week!" she yells.
Jessika shrugs. She doesn't want to engage with disgusting allegations, especially when they're true. She stands up to walk off and there's a lot of bleeped words and yelling and Cyrell won't let this go.
"Oh, so you don't want to sleep with Dan?!" she yells, storming after Jessika into the hallway. Everyone at the dinner table can hear and they get up to peer through the glass doors. Jessika swings around and Cyrell charges up into her face. The tussle spills out into full view.
"Nooooo!" Jessika splatters.
"Yes you do!" Cyrell insists.
"No I doooooon't!" Jessika splurts.
It's all very mature.
Jessika runs into the dining room and Cyrell shoves her out of the way to get there first.
"I'm gonna say it!" Cyrell yells to the group. "Mick, I hate to say it but at the last dinner party Jess turned around and said she wanted to sleep with Dan. She wanted to f**k him! Where's Tamara? Tamara, she wanted to f**k your husband! She wanted to sleep with another man so all I said to her is, 'If you're genuinely trying to make your marriage work, if you're
genuinely here for Mick, then you're not gonna be thinking about f**king another husband'."
"You're better than this," Cyrell screams at Mick before turning to point at Jessika. "Your husband doesn't want you!" she bellows.
Martha - who, only last week, was mildly choked by Cyrell - drags Jessika away to save her. She tells Jessika she believes she didn't do anything bad. That's when Jessika smirks.
"Can you keep a secret?" she asks, before revealing all about the dirty carpark kiss and the secret texts.
"I love Dan!" she exclaims and, whoa, calm down girlfriend, you've spent all of seven minutes together and only shared two dirty carpark kisses.
Needless to say, Tamara is not about any of this. As usual, she's not entirely sure what she is and isn't about exactly, but she just knows she's not about it. She pulls Jessika away for a chat.
They pretend to act civil and grown up but they keep throwing around a lot of sassy air quotes and pulling heaps of passive aggressive facial expressions.
"I never said I wanted to f**k him," Jessika states. She doesn't feel the need to inform Tamara that she has shared two dirty carpark pashes with Dan because technically that's not what this argument is about.
Again, Jessika thinks she's slicker than she actually is. She thinks she can do a bit of reverse psychology on Tamara.
"How are you feeling towards Dan anyway?" she probes as if they're now gal pals. "Are you happy with him?"
Tamara cuts to the chase.
"Are you asking me these questions because you want to make a move on him?" she spits.
"Ngghhhh," Jessika splats, her lips hindering pronunciation.
There's really no pay off to this confrontation and it just goes around in circles with Jessika mispronouncing words and Tamara misusing air quotes.
We "can't wait" to see how this all turns out and we "really hope" things don't get out of control again.
Are we using air quotes right?
For more observations on Jesus and air quotes, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir